A Reflection of Pursuing My Future

Recently I've been torn off between two choices, live my life as comfortable as I can or pursue something 'higher'and sacrifice my comfortable and clearer future. I really want to take the first option since it has lesser risks and has a high percentage of certainty, but I choose the second one instead, throw my money and make my parents worried about my decision.

Compare to two years ago, I used to be someone who had a really big ambition. But as time goes by, I feel tired of too much drama in this life and I just want to enjoy my life. Having live my life for nearly 25 years old, I realize that I should not live for myself, I should not pursue my ambition and make my parents worried about it. Some people in my age already have a settled life and plan for their future family, and I know those are what my mom wants the most from me. But, here I am, although I am already tired of too much hardness and tears, prepare to bawl my eyes out, 'wasting' my money to pursue something which is still uncertain and has high a probability of failing. 

During my contemplation, I realized that actually there's nothing wrong which choices that I took. The main problem here is that my reasoning for both options has turned into something which I know is unpleasant to Him (and the main irony here is that I wrote about God's will in my previous post which explained this matter). I will choose the first option because I think I can please my parents, I can make much money and have a settled life while making my parents proud which is mainly triggered by my wordly fear about my well-being. But, I do not choose the first option because I choose to cultivate my mind and prepare myself so I can contribute to a good cause with my enhanced skill. You can say that I have a good reason to choose the second option, but in the process of pursuing the second option, I became half-hearted, I am too afraid of the failure since I have already failed once. My lack of faith has influenced my daily activities and my relationship with Him and of course it has discredited Him, by making Him looks small in front of my problems.

As I decided to take the second option, there's no turning back and there's no way out. Instead of worrying about the result or counting how much money that I've spent to pursuing this uncertain matter, I should prepare myself and build my relationship with Him so I can do the test confidently, fix my wicked mind and purify my motivation. If my motivation is to glorify and to honor God, it won't be a big deal if I can achieve the second option or not, since I can honor and glorify God with many ways. Like J.R.R Tolkien has said, "No half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflichingly." I do hope that in the end of this 'difficult' process I will keep praising Him, not because I finally manage to achieve my goal, but because of His faithfulness and His light through my life.